Who knows you?

i was thumbing through one of my many notebooks this morning and i came across one sentence on a page: "Who knows what's best for me better than me?" i can't recall at this moment the genesis for the entry but it got me thinking about it. No great revelation came to me. i sat down in the chair i was standing next to. At that moment, it was like the ponderance of the question became this great weight. i stared out the big picture window as if the answer was walking around out there waiting for me to acknowledge it. i flipped a few more pages hoping to find the answer somewhere within. Nothing. Then i thought about an entry that i made in one of my journals some years ago. i ran upstairs and read the journal entry. Within the text i had written the exact same question. So i surmised that this was not a question that i wanted a person or myself to answer. It was a question for the universe to send me the answer to - or not. Even as i am penning these words, i just noticed that the Lauren Hill song "Ex-Factor" is playing on my Pandora station - spooky shit! The lyrics now send me into another mental tailspin.

New question to myself, first, and if i am not able to come up with a concrete answer, universe step in: "Do i really know what is best for me or am i relying on someone to tell me what's best for me?"

i recall a conversation that i had with my guy a month or so ago and i told him that when we met, i didn't need him to save me from anything. i had a great job, so i was financially stable. i had one child at the time, so i didn't have my kids running amok. i was absolutely positive that i didn't want to be with my then husband anymore - i didn't have this great struggle to pick a lover. i was on a course to better my life and health. i became a vegetarian and was losing weight and dressing differently - not Peggy Bundy-like but i started buying clothes that showed my newly found curves. Overall, i was feeling good about myself. i made a promise to myself that i was no longer going to be a doormat to other's emotions. My new motto became, "To thine own self, be true." i wrote that everywhere - my car dashboard, my office desk, the screen saver on all three of my computers, my bedroom closet door, any place that would hold a Post-It note. That period in time i dubbed as the Emancipation of Me! (Mariah Carey's Emancipation of Mimi had come out that same year) i didn't need a "Captain Save-A-Ho" type to rescue me from my situation. i had my shit under control.

Some may look at my life today and say that i am in some sort of trance. That is true. And i must tell you that it is the best feeling that i have ever felt. Don't get me wrong, i will not compromise my personal liberation for the feeling of being in love, it took a lot of hard work and loving myself to be who i am today. But i will allow myself to be in love. Is that what i want? Thin-slice answer, hell yeah! Is that what is best for me? The answer the universe has whispered to me is, of course! Love just is. Undefined. Unexplained. Unrelenting. It is what it is. That i know for sure.