It is 2 a.m. Saturday morning and slumber eludes me yet again. My eyes burn incessantly from not finding rest in over 36 hours. i feel myself thinning. i wonder if this is how it begins. Insanity. A lot has happened to make me indulge in feeling sorrow-filled. Emotional raping twice in one year, loss of things that i try to work hard for, lack. Like i must muster every ounce of strength from the furthest recesses of me to come close to the edge of being in my "right" mind. Where did i go different? i don't claim to be so lost that all i do is wail in my pillow or rock to the steady timbre of my "crazy" beat. Each day, i awaken to "do what i have to do, when i have to do it, regardless of how i feel." Likewise, each day i awaken to emptiness, even when i am in the crowd. Nobody knows what it feels like to be that lonely, at least no one should know what it feels like. i believe it to be the most hopeless of feelings. Hopeless. Black. No other way to describe it. Tomorrow? i pray for it every second. Getting to today and getting thru today seem, some days, to be on the opposite ends of the proverbial spectrum. i know that there will be a tomorrow, but do i want to get to mine? Every day, yes i want tomorrow. i must will myself to it. Must find that meaning.