It is 2 a.m. Saturday morning and slumber eludes me yet again. My eyes burn incessantly from not finding rest in over 36 hours. i feel myself thinning. i wonder if this is how it begins. Insanity. A lot has happened to make me indulge in feeling sorrow-filled. Emotional raping twice in one year, loss of things that i try to work hard for, lack. Like i must muster every ounce of strength from the furthest recesses of me to come close to the edge of being in my "right" mind. Where did i go different? i don't claim to be so lost that all i do is wail in my pillow or rock to the steady timbre of my "crazy" beat. Each day, i awaken to "do what i have to do, when i have to do it, regardless of how i feel." Likewise, each day i awaken to emptiness, even when i am in the crowd. Nobody knows what it feels like to be that lonely, at least no one should know what it feels like. i believe it to be the most hopeless of feelings. Hopeless. Black. No other way to describe it. Tomorrow? i pray for it every second. Getting to today and getting thru today seem, some days, to be on the opposite ends of the proverbial spectrum. i know that there will be a tomorrow, but do i want to get to mine? Every day, yes i want tomorrow. i must will myself to it. Must find that meaning.

Crossed Wires

(me) "You were in my dreams last night. Why were you there?"
(him) "You must have wanted me there."
(me) "No. You intentioned yourself there. When last you saw me, you gazed into my soul and found the garden of my mind. You traipsed across my field of thoughts until you came to the place of my subconscious and you planted a seed there to be cultivated. Why?"
(him) "This is true. I wanted you to think of me. I think we have the precipitates of something good. Wonderful I hope. Don't you think so?"
(me) "But i don't know u like that. That spore that you planted gave rise to a desire that i don't want to feel for you. Why was that seed one of desire for you?"
(him) "Because I desire, no, I yearn for you! Don't you feel it? Tell me that you feel the same way! I instilled in your mind the embryo of me, naked and bare, so that you would know that I am for real about what I feel for you."
(me) "First let me say that the embryo was not that of a baby but that of a full grown you, naked and bare with a full erection. Is that the message you wish to relay to me? That you are capable of attaining erection?"
(him) "I want you to see how you enliven me. I can feel your energy surging thru me when you touch me."
(me) "But i have to touch you. i'm your hairdresser."