The Benefits of a Positive Mind

Well well well! Haven't been here in a while. i can truly say that my life has been extremely hectic these past few months.

The primary reason for this missive is just to take a moment of self-reflection. i could concentrate on all of the things that i "don't" have, but that's not where i want to put my energy. Energy goes where attention flows. i want to focus on the positive stuff that i have going on.

First of all, i still draw breath independent of machinery. For that i am grateful. A very close family member is in the hospital with just about all manner of physical ailments. i visit as often as i can primarily because we are family and i got mad love for this person and also because i find motivation to "eat an apple a day." i don't subscribe to Western medicine for a lot of reasons. The primary one being that there is nothing positive that the doctor will tell you about your health. i worked in the healthcare industry for 6 years and know all too well how the system works. The doctors try to soup you up on as much medication as they can to cushion their pockets with the perks and bonuses that the pharmacy bigwigs, insurance muckymucks and institutional higherup dish out. i have seen it first hand. Doctors and insurance companies are NOT in the business of taking care of your health. It is in direct juxtaposition to their real intentions. Now, i could rant on aplenty about the "healthcare"industry but i want to give light to the happier things of LIFE.

Secondly, i got MAADD love for my family. i am full on aware of my short-comings. i have never professed to be anywhere near perfection, yet i am PERFECT. My family reminds me of that daily. To have a circle of REAL people in your corner to back you up when you don't want to go any further is rejuvenating. Their smiles, laughter, hugs, kisses, words, winks and nods, thumbs ups, assistance and warmth is the reason i keep going. They are the reason i get up and out there to do whatever i can to make life better for us all. Them having my back is my Chicken Soup.

Next, to know that i know like i know what a positive self-outlook will do for your life. i have had many changes going on in the last 5 or so years and had i not been stalwart in MY thinking and not letting anyone deter me from what I wanted, who knows where i could have ended up. i am reminded of a few pieces of media that has crossed my path in the last few years. The Secret by Rhonda Byrne really hit home this notion of the Law of Attraction. i have used it on many occasion in big and small ways and have reaped untold benefits from it. From getting a fabulous family and lover to getting jobs to winning in card games, i use the Law of Attraction to bring about what it is that i desire just because i give it the correct energy. Some other books that have inspired me is The Science of Being Great by Wallace D. Wattles, Thinking for a Change by Thomas C. Maxwell and Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking by Malcolm Gladwell. All of these books drove home for me the same message ... the power of the mind is the most powerful force in the universe. With the right mindset, anything - big or small - can be accomplished. Whatever i set my mind to and remain focused on will come to me in fairly short order. "What you think about and thank about, you bring about." - James Arthur Ray (excerpt from The Secret).

OK! i have put more positive energy out into the universe and stand ready and available to receive the fullness thereof. Not only do i feel fabulous when i live in a positive flow of thought, i look better. My smiles are brighter (and i smile ALOT!) i feel taller (just like today, i felt at least 5'7" instead of my measured 5'4"!), my posture is more upright and i don't get fatigued. i can say that i am an expert in the area of positive thinking. I've done numerous experiments and my conclusions pretty much come out as i have theorized ... The Benefits of a Positive Mind Are Far Reaching.

MOTIVATION

I had the pleasure of meeting a young man at the courthouse back in April who, at first blush, seemed to me thuggish. His looks spoke that he was an older person over the age of 35, but his attire was that of a youthful 16 year old (you really are only as old as you feel). Anyway, what really struck my attention was his baseball hat. It was doused with colorful rhinestones that said "HATERS" on the front and "Keep Me Motivated" along the arc in the back. We both sat in a side conference room and he began to regale me about the reason for his appearance in court that day. He was pretty down about the current state of his situation and during the course of our very short exchange, he looked at his hat at least 6 times. He commented on the fact that the people that showed up at court on his behalf were not really genuine to his cause, they were only there for the show of it. He chose to separate himself from the crowd for a moment of reflection before his case was called. He commented to me that people in his circle were always "hatin' " on him because he took care of his family by going to work everyday and teaching his young children that there was a better way of life than that of the streets. I could sense the passion of his conviction to remain the course of teaching his 4 year old son how to be a real man. With his cap perched upon his knee, he looked at it once more with a crack in his voice. He was grieved that his children had been taken into DCFS custody for, what seemed to him, foolish reasons. He stated yet again, "Haters keep me motivated. The more they hate on me, the higher and higher I'm gonna get." To him I replied, "Continue to be focused on what you want and you will get it. Nothing is gonna keep you from it. Stay strong and everything will work out in your favor. I promise you that." His case was called and he rose from his seat. Before he exited the room, i said to him, "Stay strong, God." He smiled and nodded his head.

I was today jolted to remember that moment in my life and particularly that young man's hat. At the time of our meeting, i really wasn't tuned into the full meaning of what he posted on his baseball cap. Actually, i thought it was rather ghetto at the time. Today, i am in a whole new state of awareness about his hat and can now come to appreciate the sentiment of it. "HATERS KEEP ME MOTIVATED." There is nothing like the sense of power that comes from other people trying to stop you from achieving your goals. i could be foolish enough to ask WHY, but i already know that answer. THEY REALLY WANT WHAT YOU HAVE! At this space in my life with all that is going on in it, i don't have time to focus on the haters. i really don't! But i do so enjoy the energy that they send. In my own warped reality, it is invigorating. Knowing that they are focusing on trying to trip me up and stop me from doing what i need to do, means that they are not wholly paying attention to their own life. Worrying about me and what i got going on instead of working to correct their own mess of a life lets me know that what i have (whatever it is) is and will continue to be the benchmark for them to aspire to. i am gratified to know that what i am doing is the right thing. If you continue to do the right things for the right reasons, you yield the right result at the right time.

i am motivated to continue my quest for righteousness and LIFE (Living In Full Enjoyment) for all the right reasons. No one will stop me from being me. No one will change my course. No one will dictate my rights and cast harsh judgment about my wrongs. No one will tell me that my ME is wrong. i will again go back to my motto of "To Thine Own Self Be True." That message got me through a pretty rough period of my life. It reminded me to stay on my course and not to allow anyone to knock me off my square.

HATERS KEEP HATIN'! THE MORE YOU HATE ON ME, THE HIGHER AND HIGHER I'M GONNA GET!

Believe That!

4 Silence

HAPPY 2nd EARTHDAY TO OUR GODDESS, SILENCE ZEPHYRA!

It Is Better To Have ...

One of the many lessons that i have acquired in life is that love is the easiest, most difficult thing in life to do. To love another person means that you must put yourself out there. You gotta be willing to be vulnerable and lay reservations and expectations aside. When you get the opportunity to experience "entanglement" with another being, you must must must be willing to have an open heart, mind and desire to be that thing for them that they need you to be and at the same time, allow them to fill in the spaces and places in your life and heart that are incomplete.

And if you ever have the misfortune to lose that love, don't despair and think that you will never have it again. What you think in the mind, persists. What you think about and thank about, you bring about. Energy goes where attention flows. All those good ole cliches. Don't give up and think that you are destined to be alone for the rest of your life. If that is what you think, that is what you will get. Write down the qualities that you require to compliment your life. Post it somewhere that you can always see it. Remain focused on those qualities and you will be surprised at just how the universe will put into motion bringing that person into your life.

Take it from someone who has put this into practice and is reaping the harvest. It is better to have loved and lost because you will get better love the next time.

And another thing that i have loved and lost is Krispy Kreme in Naperville. Boo hoo! :(

Hilarity

i went to church today for the first time in about 4 years just to see what i had been missing. i visited a church that i had never been to before with the expectation that i would have a wonder-filled, totally spiritual, fabulous experience. i must say that it was almost all that. Allow me to add this disclaimer before i go any further. This post is not to mock anyone's religion or beliefs. i am not throwing stones at organized religion at all. i am simply giving air to what i feel about my experience from today.

i got to the church on time and found a seat towards the front. i really wanted to take in the fullness of the service. The praise leaders sang 4 songs that lasted at least 45 minutes. The music was OK. The songs they sang were the same songs i knew from religiously going to church 5 years prior. i was hoping that they would have new songs that lit a fire in me and made me get out of my seat and move. Not so much. The one person that i felt was really feeling "that thang" was the drummer. His timbres were on point. He made the praise portion of the service good for me.

After praise and worship, the pastor was ushered in and the combined choir sang 3 or 4 MORE songs that took up another 25 minutes. Really, by now i am a wee bit agitated because if i wanted to listen to a service full of songs, i could have tuned in to a Pandora station or logged on to my XM/Sirius station. So i got thru the songs and prepared my ears and heart for a mighty word! Womp Womp! The message was about Jesus walking on water and Peter's doubting faith. i can't even remember what the title of the text was. i was more moved at his antics than the message in his words. His animated delivery made me chuckle quite a few times. The whole sermon was fraught with comedy. Maybe that was his way of relaying the message to the audience, but i went to church to hear a mighty word from God. i did not go to the comedy spot for a routine from a comedic minister.

So, all in all, church is still church the way i remembered it. A comedy/fashion/gossip/front fest neatly wrapped up under the guise of God. Bless they heart and Praise God anyhow!!

What a day! What a day!

So! Let me tell you all about the day i had! Saturday i had a super fantastic time with my family in Naperville and the children were wonderful and happy as usual and growing and just all around great. So! I get back home around 1 a.m. and get in the bed around 1:45 because i know that i have to get right back up at 6 to head to St. Louis to pick my sister and baby up from the airport. So i got to bed with this super fantastic feeling and wake with the same. i take a S.H.O.W.E.R. and a shower and get dressed and kiss and hug my man and off we go. It had been raining all night and was coming down pretty hard. So! We are on the drive to STL, making a stop at the rest area to do the do. The do was did and off we are again. We get to STL and are a little early so we just drive around looking at stuff. In our drive, we come across a car that was in a horrible accident still sitting in the grass wrapped around a tree. I comment to Chief that i am sure that it did not end very well for the driver of that car. The car had to be moved in order to get the person out of it because the driver side had become the passenger side and the front of the car was in the backseat. You had to see it to get the full breadth of what i'm saying, but use your imagination. So we stop at Walgreen's and got a snack and headed back to the airport. We blissfully get to the airport and collect our precious cargo and back to Chambanaland we go.

Sis regales us about the trip and how excited she is to be back home and see us and we are all excited to be together. It's still raining. Chief is driving and at this moment he is commenting about how people should accept the fact that you are who you are and do what you do and give reverence to it every time they see you and not try to "recruit" you to their way of thinking.

We hit a patch or water and begin hydroplaning. We are in the passing lane. There is a semi truck that we had just passed about 2 seconds ago, literally, that was now right in front of us because we are spinning around. We did two or three 360's, was turned head on into oncoming traffic, spun 360 again, Still hydroplaning. Chief let go of the steering wheel and the brake so that the truck could do what it was gonna do. We careened up the side of the highway, over the ditch, into the grass, BETWEEN (i capitalize this word because this is maybe the most important part of the whole story) two trees and landed softly in the hanging branches of another tree. We ended up sliding backwards in the mud and soaked grass,hitting one of the trees we had just passed thru, shattering the cargo door glass. All that happened in the course of around 6 seconds.

i was in the backseat with the baby. My mommy sense kicked in, and even though she was in the car seat tight, i still had my hand pressed to her chest so that she would stay securely against the seat. We finally came to a gentle landing. Everybody looked around making sure that everyone was OK. Chief jumped out of his seat and quickly crawled to the backseat to check the baby (he just that type of dad). Remember the semi truck? Well, him and another semi truck driver had now pulled alongside the highway and ran over to see if everyone was ok. i am sitting on the door, literally, because the vehicle is bearing the mass majority of the weight on the passenger side. i think if that tree was there to keep us from sliding backwards, the truck would have very well been on its side. Chief gets out to assess the damage. It's all MINOR! i'm sure you don't understand why i say that so passionately, but after the ordeal that we had just come thru, to have only 2 or 3 small dings in that vehicle was truly a blessing.

He goes around the vehicle making sure that if the weight inside gets shifted, that we wouldn't topple over and stood there was this look of awe. The space BETWEEN the trees that we had gone thru was about one foot wider than the whole width of the truck. Close your eyes and imagine that with me. The space between two immovable trees was only 12 inches more than the whole width of the vehicle. WOW!!! I'm not talking about trees that were planted three or four years ago. They had hanging branches! One of them was bearing the weight of a SUV to keep it from rolling backwards!! WOW!!!

Someone else must have called 911 because a local police officer comes along a little while later and asks if everyone is ok. He looked inside the vehicle and saw the baby in the backseat and asks if she is fine. By this time, i had gotten her out of the seat and checked her for cuts, scratches and such. She is her happy and bubbly self the whole rip never crying one time. The officer can't see me in the backseat because i am still sitting pressed up against the door. He doesn't realize that i there until he had been on the scene for more than 5 minutes. He walked the length of the truck and stood there with this gazed over look. Tears had welled up in his eyes. He got emotional because he saw the trees and the width of the truck and commented about 200 times that we were so lucky to be alive. That we had not hit the trees was a miracle. He goes back to his cruiser to call the State police and compose himself.

So, the other officer comes and calls the tow truck guy and they do the stuff they do. i would like to pause and give a BIG UP to the tow guy. He expertly and precisely executed how to get that vehicle out of the grass without it rolling over. So, BIG UP to the owner of King's Tow Service of Maryville, IL.

Now you really must understand that for everyone in that vehicle to walk away with every faculty they had intact was amazing. We were unscathed! After hydroplaning, gliding backwards into oncoming traffic, spinning 360s, running up the side of the interstate, between two huge trees and SOFTLY land in place was amazing. AND the most damage that was done was a shattered rear window. We are ever so thankful to God, Allah, Jesus, Buddha, Lakshmi, the virgin Mary and everybody else that people pray to to have walked away from that ordeal.

So many thoughts were going thru my head. So many "could haves" could have happened but the thing that was "supposed to" have happened happened. We could have suffered the same fate of the driver of the car we had seen less than an hour earlier. But we did not. The place i was supposed to have been i was at. The people i was supposed to have been with, i was with. The things i was supposed to see and feel and hear and touch and experience, i did. Overwhelmingly, i was with the people i was supposed to be with. My real family. The sister i would give my right arm to if she wanted it. The man we both love and admire was there making sure his girls were alright. i don't share a man. Anybody can do that. i love a man WITH another sister that loves him just as much as i do. It resoundingly puts into perspective that you should cherish the people in your life that are really down for you. i mean REALLY down for you. People who will block the bullshit. Those real "franchise players" that don't want to go anywhere and are willing to help propel you to greatness and that always want what's best for you. There are people that are around you just to say they know you but will cut you down and sabotage your shit all along the way. i don't want those people around me no more. To you i say, "kick rocks and keep it movin' ". Forward forever, backwards never.


And that's that piece!

Ephiphany

i just got done watching the latest Katt Williams stand-up comedy DVD, "It's Pimpin' Pimpin' " and it was hilarious as expected. The overwhelming message in this project is that "you have to be in line with your star player." Of course that "star player" is you. i received the message loud and clear considering the day that i had. My status post on my Facebook page is that i was "Having a ... day." i wasn't exactly sure what type of day it was. i was chillin at my sister's house while she is out of town getting a lot of much needed work done. You know, just having time to myself with myself for myself. i considered the time very well spent.

Then i came back home and watched the Katt Williams piece and another movie that was straight garbage. He had a lot of pertinent things to say. Things like, make sure that you are always happy and have a team lined up behind you to combat bullshit and laugh as much as possible and most importantly, make sure that you don't forget that one person, that "franchise player" in your life that you know will go to into battle with and for you. That is a true lesson for us all.

An island unto myself

Hello Hello Hello and welcome to my world. The sun is shining gloriously today even though it is cloudy. i know it's up there somewhere casting it's wonderful rays of goodness. The wind is warm and soothing even though it might be perceived to be cold and uncomfortable. Somewhere in the world it is 80 degrees with calm winds. The trees are full of leaves in all hues of the Crayola box, even if Spring is only 3 weeks old. i hear the sounds of laughter of the children frolicking in the streets playing hopscotch and It. i don't see them right now, but soon and very soon this reality will be.

Today is unbounded with possibilities. What are yours?

Could it be?

Believe me when i say that the one of the hardest things to overcome in life is your own will ... at least that is one of my hardest things. Don't doubt that i have a strong will but Lord knows that there are some folks on this planet that will make you forget just how strong you really are just by a look or a smile or touch. Children always do that for me. i was having lunch with my family today and a couple walked in with their son who had to be about the same age as my youngest, about 4 months old. Even though i have my own little person who i had just spent a wonder-filled morning with, there was a tug at my heart strings just seeing this other little boy. Not quite sure what it was, but i melted. Damn near started crying for some reason at the sight of him.

i told myself after my last child was born that i was going to wait about 4 or 5 years to have another child. i think that idea might be gone out the window. Even being with my own children makes me want to curse the day that they gain independence. For me, there is something about being needed and relied upon that is fulfilling. i am a nurturer. Giving them nourishment from my very breast is the most joyous part of the whole process.

Could i be addicted to pregnancy?

It is 2 a.m. Saturday morning and slumber eludes me yet again. My eyes burn incessantly from not finding rest in over 36 hours. i feel myself thinning. i wonder if this is how it begins. Insanity. A lot has happened to make me indulge in feeling sorrow-filled. Emotional raping twice in one year, loss of things that i try to work hard for, lack. Like i must muster every ounce of strength from the furthest recesses of me to come close to the edge of being in my "right" mind. Where did i go different? i don't claim to be so lost that all i do is wail in my pillow or rock to the steady timbre of my "crazy" beat. Each day, i awaken to "do what i have to do, when i have to do it, regardless of how i feel." Likewise, each day i awaken to emptiness, even when i am in the crowd. Nobody knows what it feels like to be that lonely, at least no one should know what it feels like. i believe it to be the most hopeless of feelings. Hopeless. Black. No other way to describe it. Tomorrow? i pray for it every second. Getting to today and getting thru today seem, some days, to be on the opposite ends of the proverbial spectrum. i know that there will be a tomorrow, but do i want to get to mine? Every day, yes i want tomorrow. i must will myself to it. Must find that meaning.

Crossed Wires

(me) "You were in my dreams last night. Why were you there?"
(him) "You must have wanted me there."
(me) "No. You intentioned yourself there. When last you saw me, you gazed into my soul and found the garden of my mind. You traipsed across my field of thoughts until you came to the place of my subconscious and you planted a seed there to be cultivated. Why?"
(him) "This is true. I wanted you to think of me. I think we have the precipitates of something good. Wonderful I hope. Don't you think so?"
(me) "But i don't know u like that. That spore that you planted gave rise to a desire that i don't want to feel for you. Why was that seed one of desire for you?"
(him) "Because I desire, no, I yearn for you! Don't you feel it? Tell me that you feel the same way! I instilled in your mind the embryo of me, naked and bare, so that you would know that I am for real about what I feel for you."
(me) "First let me say that the embryo was not that of a baby but that of a full grown you, naked and bare with a full erection. Is that the message you wish to relay to me? That you are capable of attaining erection?"
(him) "I want you to see how you enliven me. I can feel your energy surging thru me when you touch me."
(me) "But i have to touch you. i'm your hairdresser."

After the Dance

Tell me sir, why you dance your dance?
It is because its comfort soothes you?
Do you think your dance is romance?

May i ask the reason that dance feels so good to ya?
When you hold that dance and entrance that dance,
Would u choose another dance if the dance that you dance did not feel as good as a dance should?

Did you pick a partner when you should have picked a potnah?

Hey brotha, are the shoes that you dance with made to fit you?
Is the fit too small? If you stay in that small shoe, will you be callused?
Are the shoes that you wear too big for you?
You feel they are made for someone else, they don't get you, right.

If you profess that the fit is good Right Wonderfully majestic,
Then tell me, do they draw close to those parts that need binding when the dance gets tiring, too weary?
Do the laces weave in around and thru you to keep you from coming undone?
Are those shoes, those good Right shoes support to your soul?
Can you pull on the strings of your wonderfully majestic shoes and know
beyond a shadow of doubt that they will not fray, unfurl, break?

Is it the right shoe for you?
Is it a ballet slipper when you dance your tap dance?
When you need to don your jazz shoes are the shoes that you dance with combat boots?

Out on the dance floor where you dance your dance are you hypnotized by the music?
Are the beats and rhythms in line with the dance that you dance on that dancing floor?
Does the melody of said music resonate wholly in your being?
Old school, new school, salsa, reggae, hip hop, jazz or blues, sir
Is the dance and the music that you dance to the same?
What is that? You say you dance the paso-doble but the music is opera.
Now i've watched Dancing With the Stars enough to know that you gotta have the right downbeat if you gone do the lead.
Can't keep dancing that dance if the music is all wrong!

It gotta feel good in every way.
Gotta make you feel that thang feel like you don't ever wanna stop movin to its pulse
its cadence The timbre, the melody.
Why mister, if the music ain't in touch with that place that makes the world seem not large enough to conquer and the sky so close you can touch it, then what makes you think its the right music to groove to?
This dance that you love to dance

Will you retire from your dance or do you love her that much that you will never ever never never ever never let her go?

Honesty is the best policy.

Is what you know to be your truth true? Is what people say about you the truth? Do you even care? Most people will say that they really could care less about what other people say about them. i would beg to differ. The adage that talk is cheap is just that, a cheap adage. It is inherent within all human nature to care about what other people think of you. Consider an infant child in this example. When you look at a baby and smile, it does one of three things - smiles back, cries or just stares at you with no emotion at all. Now, does it not pang at your heart when that child cries or looks back at you expressionless? Of course it does. You consider that there is something wrong with you. You wonder if it was something you did wrong to make the baby cry. You come up with a thousand different scenerios that your child could be thinking about you. Your only saving grace, really, is that it is a baby. S/he hasn't had a lot of practice interpreting the actions of others to formulate sound conclusions. But your contemporaries have.

Ask yourself a series of questions - use what emotion or thought comes to you first:
1. How do i really feel about myself? (Content, terrible, proud, happy, i don't know)
2. Would you change the life you live? What would you change? (Think of all things and list them)
3. Realizing that you have nothing but time, would you work harder for a career or family?
4. Do you always do what you love? (Even if it is considered wrong by society - drinking, partying all night, promiscuity, gambling, etc.)
5. Do you feel as if there is something else you were designed to do? (i.e. Be a pilot rather than a secretary, a BMX bike racer rather than a maintenance person, etc.)
6. If you believe that you were designed to be something else, what would it be and would you pursue that path regardless of what others would say, think and feel?
7. Lastly, were you absolutely honest in answering these questions?

Here are the answers i came up with:
1. i have overcome a lot of obstacles in my life. i am very proud of the person that i have evolved into though it is my desire to be more assured in my dealings with others.
2. The only thing that i would not change is having my children. They were entrusted to me for a reason and i take that purpose very seriously. Every other aspect of my life can be changed.
3. i would definitely work harder for family.
4. No, i don't always do what i love. There are things ingrained within me that i just do. Not that i particularly like or dislike them. i love to cook. i like to read. i like to blog. i love to give my children a bath at night and tuck them in. i love to travel.
5. Yes.
6. i believe that i was designed to do two things consecutively, be a writer and a housewife.
7. i was honest with all of my answers.

Notice that i didn't answer the second part of question 6. i can't honestly answer that at this point in my life. i would like to say that i would, but it wouldn't be an honest answer. When you are honest with yourself about yourself, no lie or misconception about you will stand. On its face, the very mistruth that people form about you will, in time, be shown as a falsity. Stand on your principles and everyone that does not stand with you will be cleared out. The good Lord protects babies and fools. Be a fool for yourself and you will have nothing to worry about.

Who knows you?

i was thumbing through one of my many notebooks this morning and i came across one sentence on a page: "Who knows what's best for me better than me?" i can't recall at this moment the genesis for the entry but it got me thinking about it. No great revelation came to me. i sat down in the chair i was standing next to. At that moment, it was like the ponderance of the question became this great weight. i stared out the big picture window as if the answer was walking around out there waiting for me to acknowledge it. i flipped a few more pages hoping to find the answer somewhere within. Nothing. Then i thought about an entry that i made in one of my journals some years ago. i ran upstairs and read the journal entry. Within the text i had written the exact same question. So i surmised that this was not a question that i wanted a person or myself to answer. It was a question for the universe to send me the answer to - or not. Even as i am penning these words, i just noticed that the Lauren Hill song "Ex-Factor" is playing on my Pandora station - spooky shit! The lyrics now send me into another mental tailspin.

New question to myself, first, and if i am not able to come up with a concrete answer, universe step in: "Do i really know what is best for me or am i relying on someone to tell me what's best for me?"

i recall a conversation that i had with my guy a month or so ago and i told him that when we met, i didn't need him to save me from anything. i had a great job, so i was financially stable. i had one child at the time, so i didn't have my kids running amok. i was absolutely positive that i didn't want to be with my then husband anymore - i didn't have this great struggle to pick a lover. i was on a course to better my life and health. i became a vegetarian and was losing weight and dressing differently - not Peggy Bundy-like but i started buying clothes that showed my newly found curves. Overall, i was feeling good about myself. i made a promise to myself that i was no longer going to be a doormat to other's emotions. My new motto became, "To thine own self, be true." i wrote that everywhere - my car dashboard, my office desk, the screen saver on all three of my computers, my bedroom closet door, any place that would hold a Post-It note. That period in time i dubbed as the Emancipation of Me! (Mariah Carey's Emancipation of Mimi had come out that same year) i didn't need a "Captain Save-A-Ho" type to rescue me from my situation. i had my shit under control.

Some may look at my life today and say that i am in some sort of trance. That is true. And i must tell you that it is the best feeling that i have ever felt. Don't get me wrong, i will not compromise my personal liberation for the feeling of being in love, it took a lot of hard work and loving myself to be who i am today. But i will allow myself to be in love. Is that what i want? Thin-slice answer, hell yeah! Is that what is best for me? The answer the universe has whispered to me is, of course! Love just is. Undefined. Unexplained. Unrelenting. It is what it is. That i know for sure.

What LIFE is!

LIFE is whatever you make it. There is nothing in any of the many books, magazines, pamphlets, or any other publication that i have read that says that your life is supposed to be this exacting THING. It really isn't exacting at all. If you are old enough to, say, feed yourself, you have had to overcome an obstacle of some sort. Be it learning how to walk or deciding whether to use your last $10 for food or gas to get to work, you have in many ways experienced LIFE. Living In Full Enjoyment is not just a catchy acronym - though it is indeed that - but it is also ,like, the motto of what life really is. Henry Ford has a famous quote: “Whether you think you can or think you can't, either way you are right.” Life is a series of only 2 options - Yes or No. Either you do what you want to do to feel and be fulfilled in your current existence or you don't. Them's your options!

i learned recently that all we have within our control is ourselves. The reactions and feelings of others are of no consequence to our own happiness. Entertain this for a moment; it is absolutely within the purview of possibility to be happy with who you are. Acai berry diets be damned. Botox and collagen unconsidered. Hair extensions and coloring are a non-issue. If the good Lord wanted you to have those forehead wrinkles, who are we mere mortal beings to tell Him that His design of us is wrong. i can just imagine the conversation now: "You know God, you didn't design Jennifer Aniston with wrinkles? Why didn't you design her with wrinkles? You gave me like a kagillion wrinkles and these stretch marks and liver spots but you made Ms. Jennifer without spot or wrinkle. Why you do that, God? Why didn't you design me more like Jennifer? I wanna look like Jennifer!" Then God replies, "Look here! I didn't design you like Jennifer Aniston because Jennifer Aniston is Jennifer Aniston. You are you. Besides, Jennifer only looks like that because modern technology makes her look like that. She altered my original design, but I got a few things in store for her in a few years." Then 10 years will pass and you will come across an un-PhotoShopped picture of Jennifer with those forehead wrinkles and jowls and an ever evident belly pooch and you will say to yourself, "Oh my God! That's what Jennifer really looks like! I can't believe I wanted to look just like her! Thank goodness I had that conversation with God 10 years ago and stayed the way I was." When have you ever known God to be wrong?

One of my favorite sayings is: "Do you, Boo!" Really, do your you unabashedly. Do you like you have never done you before. i took a cruise to the Bahamas with some girlfriends once and at first i didn't want to overdo the whole experience. i just wanted to take in the sights, maybe get a little too drunk on Coco Locos and get a little too dark from frying in the sun. Once on board the ship, the annoying activities director was coming around asking people if they were signed up for their excursions before getting to the island. At first i ignored her and told my friend, Sandy that i was just going to walk around after the lunch feast. During our sojourn around the island, i spotted a speed boat with some people getting on board. I asked Sandy what they were doing. She told me they were going para sailing. There was no way in God's green earth i was going to do that - at first. While standing there on the dock, i watched the speed boat go out into the ocean and hoist the people up into the air. i couldn't see their faces or hear their voices. i just stared at the stillness. So, when the speed boat came back, i informed Sandy that i was going para sailing. She looked at me like i had lost the last little bit of mind i brought with me. She grabbed her video camera and called the other ladies we traveled with over to the dock and told them of my daring feat. i boarded the speed boat, they gave us the safety schpill and off we went into the sea. i mentally chickened out! i lost my nerve. i didn't want to do it anymore. The ladies were right, i didn't do things like para sailing! What was i thinking? The boat operators were pairing people up to be hoisted onto the glider. i declined 3 times. Then it hit me, i did not give these people my 70 hard earned dollars to take a ride on a speed boat. So i told the boat associate that i was ready to get in the glider. i was paired with a lady in her mid-fifties. We got strapped in and up we went. They told us that we would have three minutes of hang time. We ascended to the sky and my eyes were closed the whole time. i took a deep breath and eased them open. OH MY GOD! The scenery was breathtaking. We could see the island of Nassau from up there. i looked down into the water which was the clearest color of blue i had ever seen. Two stingrays were circling each other as if they were thrust into some type of mating ritual. The coral underneath the water was so vivid. It was as if i could just reach into the water and pluck it out. i commented to my gliding companion, "i can die now!" She asked me if i was sick or something. I told her that i had been sick for a long time and that moment was just the elixir i needed.

In that moment, i knew what living in full enjoyment really was. Had i allowed the moment to flee, i would have missed one of the most majestic experiences of my life thus far. Don't permit the ideas and ideals of others dictate your you. Do you, Boo!

Weekly affirmation: "I am alive to the moment. Seeing past any-thing, means i missed some-thing."